


If brokenness is a form of art (I must be a poster child prodigy)

by rocketdocket



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Supportive Magnus Bane, binge eating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 12:30:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13764216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rocketdocket/pseuds/rocketdocket
Summary: Alec has to be perfect. He's known this all his life. He has to be emotionless, and always in control. So as he gets older and feels that control slip further and further away, he develops a way to cope, alone. Until he's not anymore.





	If brokenness is a form of art (I must be a poster child prodigy)

**Author's Note:**

> So... apparently I have a desperate need to take my own struggles with mental illness and project them onto my favorite fictional characters. This story is soley based on the tv series, which I watched the entirety of four days ago, and then word vomited this one night until 5 am. Sorry if this is terrible, my mind took on a life of its own. Title from Neptune by Sleeping at Last, because I've been listening to it on repeat for the past week. The title is stupid long but who cares tbh.

Alec always has to be in control. Not of other people, (by the angel, he's panicked enough about being a good head of the institute, let alone controlling every action of the shadowhunters) no, of himself. He has to be perfect. Weaknesses are a liability. They can be exploited, and risk the reputation of the family. Or worse, cost his parents their positions in Idris, and his family their future and legacy. Imperfection was unacceptable and unfathomable, and any small break in protocol was a devastating failure. He couldn't give anyone any reason to usurp the Lightwoods, or for confidence in their family to falter. He knew from a young age that perfection wasn't just an expectation, it's who he _is_ , who he has to be. And if he's not? He’s not just a disappointment, he's also betraying everyone, including himself.

The issue with perfection is that the pressure becomes suffocating. Which, in and of itself, felt like another failure. If he was truly perfect, it would be effortless to never slip up. As Alec grew older, his imperfections seemed to compound. His feelings for Jace, and boys in general? Failure. His early struggles to master archery? Failure. His inability (and lack of desire) to keep his sister in line, professional, and chaste? Failure. His parents’ favoritism towards Jace only increased his feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing. So, really, it was no surprise that those feelings and unbearable pressure needed an outlet, some kind of relief. At first, Alec focused all of his energy into training. It was focused towards his own improvement and the betterment of himself, it released energy, and it allowed him to express his emotion in an acceptable way, without him even realizing it. His frustration, anger, terror, and sadness, all could be expressed through his fists against a punching bag, or through losing against his sister after a round of sparring. Until one day, it wasn't enough. He needed more. He felt increasingly overwhelmed with how much he _wasn't_ perfect, and how he feared he could never be.

He's not even really sure how it started. It was the night before his parents arrived for a visit from Idris. He remembers sitting in his room, anxious, cataloging his failures in his mind. He was worrying over what imperfections his parents would notice and comment on, and agonizing over how he could hide the ones they could _never_ know (like his feelings for men). He was eating some chips, another moral failure, because it wasn't healthy or nutritious and didn't contribute to his training efforts. He had taken a family size bag from the kitchen into his room. The taste of the salt, the crunch of the chips and the movement of his jaw helped his anxiety. And he felt a sick kind of thrill at the rebellion, allowing himself this small kind of imperfect relief. So he just... didn't stop. One minute he was casually munching on a chip or two, and the next he was staring at an empty bag. He glanced at the clock and barely 10 minutes had passed, yet he had eaten an entire family size bag of chips, when he wasn't supposed to be eating chips at all. And the worst part? It wasn't enough. It was late, the institute dark and the hallways abandoned, as he made his way swiftly back to the kitchen. He felt restless and out of control, yet also strangely focused on one thing: filling himself up more. So he ate, and he ate, and he ate. Looking back now, he almost laughs at how reckless and stupid he was. He's a lot better at hiding it now, not allowing himself to get caught, be seen, or leave evidence.

The morning after his first binge, he felt guilt and shame like he'd never felt before. He felt disgusting, horrible, imperfect, and loathsome. He felt so full and stuffed he felt sick. He imagined his belly swollen outward, greasy with all the unhealthy junk food he had consumed. He had to make it right and okay again. So he got up, at 5 am, and threw himself into training like never before. He pushed himself as hard as he possibly could, punishing himself and his body for his lack of control. And so it began. And that's the thing. It was easy to hide, in a way, because Alec never gained any weight. He never purged, paranoid over whether Jace would feel or sense that through their parabatai bond. Binging felt a lot like exercise to Alec: he felt amped up, moving fast, and pushing forward. He didn't think that would be suspicious to Jace, if he felt it. And Jace never once mentioned it to him, so he assumed he couldn't. But Alec lived a very active lifestyle. His life consisted of two things: training, and going on missions, both of which worked his body to its limit and burned off a lot of calories. It also meant that nobody questioned him when he grabbed something extra for the road at each meal. Little did they know, he was hoarding that non-perishable food in his room, for when the urge to binge overwhelmed him. He was binging, and it was (mostly) under control, until Clary.

Clary Fairchild. The girl who turned his world upside down. And suddenly, he couldn't be perfect anymore. They were breaking protocol left and right, going on unsanctioned missions. He was a failure as a leader, unable to stop Jace and Izzy from their insanity, and risking everything to accompany them. He wasn't a leader, not like Jace. He was a weak follower, helpless to control the situation or prevent them from their rule-breaking actions. Worst of all, his feelings for Jace were stronger than ever. Watching Clary and Jace together, he felt the ugly head of jealousy roar up inside him, and it became almost impossible to control his feelings anymore. He already was struggling to conceal them from the world, let alone within himself. So, Alec watched his world flip on its end, and himself spiral out of control. His binging got worse and worse, until before he knew it, he was binging more days than not.

Then came Magnus. Falling in love with Magnus was unplanned, new, and terrifying. It forced him to confront and eventually accept his feelings towards men. So needless to say, it was another cause for him to binge. The night after his failed wedding to Lydia was one of the worst binge episodes he'd ever had. Usually, he tried to stop himself before he went too far, and he'd only do it once. That night, he couldn't get himself to stop. And when he was finally so full he felt nauseous, he stopped for an hour before he started up again. The urge didn't end for hours.

But, ultimately, his relationship and love for Magnus brought so much joy and happiness to his life. With Magnus, everything else in his life faded away. As they got further into their relationship, Alec didn't feel imperfect with him. Magnus never made him feel wrong, or inadequate, or like a failure. Magnus loved and celebrated every part of Alec. Alone with Magnus, Alec felt comfortable and confident in his own skin. He almost felt at home in his own body. But being with Magnus came with its own set of challenges. As the noose around the New York Institute became tighter, under harsher and harsher scrutiny (due to his failures, Alec made sure to remind himself), Alec spent more and more nights at Magnus'. At Magnus' apartment, he felt safe, warm, and loved. He wanted to spend as much time as he could with Magnus, living the life he'd always dreamed of but never thought he could have, with the man he loved, who was far better than any dream.

But this meant that Alec's life was no longer training and missions. His life was now training, missions, and days and nights spent with Magnus. The more time Alec spent with Magnus, the less time he spent training, which meant the less time he had to relieve himself of the guilt and shame that came from his binges, and the more stressed he became about his binging and body in general. After they'd made love for the first time, he found another avenue to acceptably relieve this anxiety: sex. He loved Magnus, enjoyed being with Magnus, and every time they had sex a small part of himself felt enormous relief that he'd done some form of physical activity. It became another way for him to rationalize their relationship in his mind while he was still struggling within himself to accept his sexuality. In addition, nights with Magnus meant Alec couldn't binge. Alec was petrified of Magnus finding out about this humiliating weakness. Alec felt more ashamed of this imperfection than anything else in his life. He felt like he'd die if anyone found out. It just wasn't an option. He couldn't even imagine people knowing, let alone him telling them; he would hide his binging or die trying. He'd allowed Magnus to get close to him, and see him at his most intimate and vulnerable, and that meant Magnus was extra sensitive to noticing any small clue that something was happening with Alec. The urge to binge never faded, so he started having to develop techniques to reduce or stave off his desire to binge.

Brushing his teeth was one. If he ate after brushing his teeth, he'd have to brush his teeth again. Drinking a lot of water was another. It allowed him to feel full and "binge" on something. It wasn't satisfying and wasn't truly a binge, but it helped lessen the urge just a little. His absolute last resort, if he could get away with it, was locking the door to their bedroom. If the door was locked, that was just another barrier and conscious decision he'd have to make in order to go to the kitchen and binge. It was enough to make him stop, think about it, reevaluate, and go back to bed. He'd never risked that last option at Magnus', too terrified of getting caught doing it and having to explain himself. Plus, he'd never needed to. It was easier to resist the urge when he was with Magnus, because he had someone he was fighting against the urge _for_ , something precious to himself that he was trying to protect. Also, the urge was less in general when he was with Magnus, because of how he made all of Alec's worries and the rest of Alec's turbulent world melt away when they were together, in their sacred corner of the universe.

The closest it had ever gotten to corrupting Magnus' apartment was the night of Max's party. While everyone else argued with each other, it was only Alec who turned in on himself, and ended up on that ledge. It was only Alec whose guilt, shame, and self-loathing so consumed him that he’d allowed himself to fall backwards. While it was true that the spell intensified and magnified one's feelings and fears, and Alec wasn’t lying when he attempted to reassure Magnus he wasn't thinking about ending his life and would never do it. But the reality was that Alec was shocked and terrified. After that night, a part of him wasn't sure if he'd truly "never do it". He felt like a dark part of himself that he’d hidden away from his own consciousness had come to light. And a sick part of Alec was also completely relieved that the spell hadn't revealed his binging, in any way. While Alec did feel like it put a spotlight on him for Magnus to watch his actions and emotions, which was not ideal and a bit nerve-wracking, Alec's secret was safe. And he'd never let things get so far as that spell. Right? Besides, he was still in control. He had managed to never even binge at Magnus' apartment. He had always overcome the urge, when it did happen.

That was, until tonight.

Alec is lying on his side in bed next to Magnus, frozen. The urge to binge is more powerful than it has ever been before at Magnus'. It presses against his skin and pushes against his teeth, threatening to burst out of him. He feels like he's desperately trying to hold down the brake pedal while his body keeps tapping the accelerator. If he even moves a muscle, his foot might slip and he'd go hurtling forward, desperately trying to stop himself while already in motion. Alec bites down on his tongue until it starts to bleed, willing himself to stay still and fall back asleep. When that fails, he scrambles for the techniques he's developed. _You've brushed your teeth, you've brushed your teeth, you've brushed your teeth._ He runs his lightly bleeding tongue around his mouth. _Taste the mint. Do you want to brush them again? How would you explain that to Magnus? Why would you get up at 2 am to brush your teeth for the second time that night?_ It's not working. He feels panic and desperation start filling his body, but he tries to keep it at bay. _That's only the first one. I've got a lot of other things I can try._ As quietly as he can, Alec sits up and reaches for his water bottle on the bedside table. He starts to drink, and keeps going and going. When he feels nice and full of water, he lies back down. He should be good now. Ok, yes, the urge is still there, but it's quieter now. _Let's go to sleep._ Less than 5 minutes later, Alec almost growls in frustration. If it weren't for his desperate need for silence and secrecy, he would. It's not working. Alec starts to panic even more.

He sits up slightly again and tries the little bit of water still left in his bottle. Nope. Urge is still there, humming inside him. Slowly, Alec turns towards Magnus. He seems fast asleep. Alec waits, frozen, listening to Magnus' breaths, until he feels confident he's fast asleep. Carefully, Alec slides out of bed, trying as hard as he can to be silent. He stealthily walks over to the closed door, and pauses. Glancing over at the bed again, to make sure Magnus is truly fast asleep, Alec locks the door, wincing at the tiny click the lock makes. He freezes again. Magnus is still asleep, he hasn't even stirred or snuffled. Alec creeps back to the bed, and slides back in, trying to keep the rustling sheets as quiet as possible. He lies back down.

This time, Alec makes it almost 15 minutes. But he can't. He really can't. He _needs_ to binge. He can't fight it this time. He gets up once more, and unlocks the door, once again pausing to check Magnus' sleeping form. _Safe._ He pulls the door open slowly, begging it not to squeak. Thank the angel, it doesn't. He creeps into the kitchen. Then, it's like the monster within him is unleashed. He doesn't feel like he's experiencing time normally, or like he's fully present and in control of his body. He's still being quiet, or at least he hopes that's the case, but he's grabbing everything that won't immediately be noticed or missed in the fridge. It doesn’t matter what it is, or that it’s cold, or if he doesn’t really like it. He's eating, and eating, and eating, and—

"Alexander?"

The quiet and hesitant question cuts through Alec's very soul like a knife. He feels like he's in a mundane horror film. It can't be real. The worst thing, the thing that he's most afraid of happening... he turns his head slowly towards the doorway, where a sleepy Magnus stands, a look of confusion and worry covering his face. Alec glances across the counter. It's completely _covered_ in containers, packages, and plates of food, empty or half-eaten. Fuck. He didn't even realize or remember he'd eaten all of that stuff. He feels like he's been in a trance, and now he's been shocked out of it and back into reality in the worst possible way. This has to be a nightmare. He's got to be asleep.

_Lie._

"Magnus, I– I was just– you see– I was really hungry, late night snack, you know..." Alec stuttered, trying to construct a plausible explanation while his mind was spinning.

Magnus' face still hasn't changed, still frozen in the doorway. If anything, his face has grown even more concerned. _You're such a fucking failure Alec. You're a fucking idiot. Lie better._ "Training was really hard today, you know. I burnt a ton of energy. Practically trained all day, from the moment I woke up. I was really hungry. Needed to refuel my body."

Silence. Then,

"How long has this been going on?" Magnus' soft question rings through the still air.

"I–I don't know what you're–" and then, to Alec's absolute horror, he starts to cry. He sees Magnus' eyes grow wide in shock before Alec quickly drops his head to look down at the counter, bracing his hands against it, trying desperately to hide his face, even though he knows the battle is pretty much over at this point. Magnus rushes to his side and holds him, shushing him and stroking his back as he hugs him tightly, whispering how much he loves him. Alec only starts to cry harder. "This–is so–humiliating," Alec hiccups. His worst nightmare has come true, Magnus knows the worst possible part of him, _and_ he's crying. _Weak. Failure. Imperfect._

"No, Alexander... it's not humiliating. It's okay. I love you. You don't need to feel ashamed," Magnus quietly comforts Alec.

"I'm so– so– weak. And p-pathetic. You don't deserve someone like me," Alec struggles to say.

"You're right, I don't deserve someone like you." Alec looks up at Magnus, shocked but also resigned. "Because, Alexander, you're incredible. You're strong. And beautiful. A great leader. And I love you."

"I've– I've got it under control, I promise, I promise... This was just a slip up, I never do it here–" Alec desperately rushes to say, ending firmly, as if chastising his own reflection in the countertop.

"Alexander. This...” Magnus slowly gestures around the kitchen, “is not 'under control,'" he says as gently as he can.

"I know, I know, but I can do better, I can be better, just give me a chance–" Alec continues, in the same tone of self-flagellation he had before.

"Alexander.... why don't we come and sit down," Magnus softly suggests. Alec nods once in agreement. Magnus takes his hand and they slowly walk over to the sofa, where Magnus sits down and then pulls Alec into his arms.

"Now. Alexander. You're under an enormous amount of pressure. From your parents, the institute, the clave, and more than anything, yourself. And I know what you're going to say, you're going to tell me that you're supposed to be better than this, or something of that nature. But... darling. You're human. You're not a machine. You're allowed to _feel_ things. You're allowed to struggle. You're allowed to be imperfect. It's okay. I love every part of you."

A single tear running down his face, Alec tries to lock the emotion out of his face, going to protest, but Magnus cuts him off again. "Isabelle became addicted to yin fen. Do you love her any less for it? Is she weak or lesser than, for having her addiction?"

"Of course not! I love Izzy and she'll always be my sister and I'll always love her, she's one of the strongest people I know, but I'm not her, I'm this–" Alec goes to argue.

"I showed you my warlock mark. Something I'm ashamed of, something that I thought would make you fear me or not love me. And you told me I was beautiful. You loved me even harder. I told you about my past, my mother and stepfather. The worst part of myself. And you told me that no part of me could ever be ugly." Magnus says, some shine coming to his eyes as he remembers that vulnerable moment.

Alec looks up at Magnus with love and admiration, touching his cheek. "And I meant every word of it. It's _true_ ," Alec hurries to confirm to Magnus, earnest as ever.

"So, I have just one question for you Alexander. Why can you not extend the same compassion towards yourself?" Magnus stares down into Alec’s eyes, and he holds them for a moment before Alec looks away. They sit there in silence for a while, as Magnus waits for Alec to speak.

“I…. I don’t deserve it,” Alec says, barely more than a whisper.

“Don’t deserve it?” Magnus says, equally as softly, but confused. “Don’t deserve what?” Alec goes to answer but stops himself, shaking his head slightly. Realization hits Magnus worse than any battle spell.

“Alexander, do you mean… don’t deserve being loved?”

Alec adamantly avoids Magnus’ face, staring steadfastly at the wall. His silence, his inability to respond, tells Magnus that he was right.

“Alexander, I–” Now Magnus is the one finding himself choked up. “ _There is no part of you that could ever be ugly._ No part of you that could ever not deserve to be loved. I _love_ you, Alexander. Every part of you. I love your history, I love your past. I love you for all the things you love about yourself, and I love you for all the things you don’t. Everything that makes up the soul I know as _Alexander_. Did you think I would judge you for this? If anything, it makes me love you even more. Because I got to know something more about the wonderful and strong man I love. Your struggles are my struggles. Your pain is my pain,” Magnus finishes, emotional.

“It’s too big a burden,” Alexander weakly responds.

“Never. You are never a burden to me Alexander. I know you might not believe me, but. Nothing you could ever be dealing with could ever feel like a burden on me. It was you who said _Relationships take effort_ ,” Magnus says with a soft laugh, and Alec contributes a chuckle. “When I decided to be with you, I knew what that meant. When I told you I loved you, I understood what that commitment was. I’m here for _you_ , Alec, all of you. Your triumphs and your struggles. And they’ll never feel like a burden, because I choose you. I love you.”

Alec’s eyes swell with tears again, but he doesn’t allow them to fall. “I love you _so_ much,” Alec says brokenly.

“I love you too, Alexander. Come now, we’re both tired. Let’s talk more about this in the morning,” Magnus concludes, getting up with a flourish, pulling Alec with him. Alec feels grateful that the heavy mood is being lifted, at least momentarily. But still—

“The kitchen–” Alec protests, his tone already apologetic. Magnus pauses and waves his arm into the air and snaps, blue light sparkling around his fingertips before disappearing.

“Done. All cleared up. I’m a warlock, remember?” Magnus jokes lightly, with a small smile. “Now let’s go to bed.”

As they climb into bed, Magnus turns Alec onto his side and then shuffles in behind him, spooning him tightly. Alec knows he should feel guilt, shame, worry, fear, emasculation, and all those other ugly thoughts and feelings that seem to haunt his daily life, but… lying here, in bed, with the man who loves every part of him, in their safe and warm corner of the universe, all Alec can feel is love.

In the morning, there’ll be conversations about warlocks Magnus knows who work in the mundane world as psychologists, there’ll be hesitations and denials and reluctance as Magnus explains to Alec about the world of mundane psychology. There’ll be more tears, and probably some lashing out and conflict, and a few more self-medicated doses of guilt, shame, and fear. But there’ll also be acceptance. From Magnus and from Alec, towards one another and the situation they find themselves in. There’ll be encouragement, warm embraces, kisses, and reassurances. There’ll be support, every step of the long road that lies ahead of them. And it should be daunting, Alec knows. But Alec destroyed his own wedding in front of the entire institute, his family and friends, and members of the clave, to claim ownership over his life and pursue his own happiness. That Alec? The Alec he can find himself proud of, for flickers of time, when he allows himself to reflect on how far he’s come… he can face anything. Alone, he’s strong. But with Magnus at his side, he’s unstoppable.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope that wasn't too terrible and you got some enjoyment out of it. Also I know it's extremely OOC for Alec to cry/be this vulnerable, but that's lowkey the point, just in case I didn't convey that very well. Kudos if you recognize the last line, sorry, I couldn't resist haha.


End file.
